Petesophizing...

Cornerstone Theatre is sponsoring a reading of my play, "The Night They Invented Champ Egan", next month. Details forthcoming. A recent email to a friend, with a few edits, works as a teaser:

In the small town of Nova Vess, in the Eastern part of the Republic of Korvatz, the pagan traditions survived both the Nazis' brutal expansion from the West and the Russians' eventual occupation from the East. Decades later in the early 1980's, with Korvatz still under Soviet domination, the mayor of Nova Vess, a Catholic priest and former dance choreographer, was getting a little frustrated by Communist restrictions. He wanted to add all he loved to the annual pagan harvest festival, so thumbing his nose at his Communist overseers.

The traditional theme of the festival is taming the "Panna Zhenna" (untranslatable, but a "goddess" -- approximately "nonvirgin virgin") and usually she's represented by a mannikin or straw effigy. But the mayor decided, in earnest, to try using a live girl. He dressed 16-year-old Alzhbetta Klinke in bad 1980's fashions -- in spandex and a purple tunic blouse, with a big leather belt off the hips -- and tied her to a cross.

The effect was immediate -- so powerful that the festival organizers had to bring her down prematurely when a young man, driven "kisilikiki" (one of 89 Korvat words for crazy) by the nexus of symbols, ran back to his school and tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a window. Fortunately very little money was coming in from the Soviet Union so the dormitory was only two floors. Broken clavicle.

The repercussions of Alzhbetta's ascent can be felt in the urban apartment of Champ Egan in mid-1990's America. Talk about a man's "visual Rolodex". He's already survived (Act One) aerobics instructor Karen Wiggenbotham, her recipe from the book "White Trash Chicken 'n Hash", and her one-of-a-kind back massage. He's about to learn why it's been said about the new woman sitting next to him: "Men would rather be killed by Alzhbetta than cured by someone else".

Three nights. Three conversations. Agitated depression. Sexual dysfunction. The drugs Alprostadil and Rohypnal. An imaginary marriage and an imaginary divorce. A seduction scene inspired by Abbott & Costello's "Who's On First" routine.

The Night They Invented Champ Egan.

"Be the man who is getting laid" is the advice of Dr. Alexander Volovich. But, for Champ -- that's not so easy.